I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
