She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
