GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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