I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
MIDGETS
????
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
