Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
