I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
