You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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