found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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