i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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