My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
