I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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