I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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