I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
