if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
