Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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