I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
