i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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