And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
