ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
