He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
