do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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