I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
