ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
