I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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