so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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