Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
