I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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