no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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