I just gift wrapped bread.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
