My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
