You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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