Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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