when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
