Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
