hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
