Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He better not be in your backpack
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
