how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
