Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
