The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
