Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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