ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
