goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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