i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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