I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
