How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
