saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
