I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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