It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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