I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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