i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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