The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
