I could make wine with my vomit
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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