I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
