I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think I sprained my soul last night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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