Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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