i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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