I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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