apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
