Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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