it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
