can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
