Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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